Monday was Garbage Day. We took the garbage out on Sunday night and when I arrived home on Monday it still hadn't been picked up.
Does anyone know the Haight St. Garbage Theorem ? It states that any piece of garbage left sitting for more than 10 minutes on Haight Street will attract garbage of similar density at a rate of [(n)LT x CS]VRSK. That being, the [Number of (Lazy Tourists x Coffee Shops)] multiplied by the Velocity of the Runaway Street Kids. So, by the time I got home the garbage had grown to roughly the size of a 1989 Toyota Camry.
My roommate and I, being the wishful optimistic types, assured one another that the garbage would be picked up Tuesday morning. Is it to anyone's surprise that the garbage was not picked up this morning ? Now listen, I don't mean to complicate things, but when garbage is left outside two nights in a row, the probability of Spontaneous Bum Induced Explosion is like, 99.9%. And unlike dogs who may actually quit thrashing through garbage after they find the first scrap, bums continue to rummage through garbage until every last item has gone through a complete 4-point valuation analyses. To further exacerbate the problem, we had a party last weekend.
Imagine the dedication of an alcoholic bum on the trail of at least 384 red plastic cups, each of which reek of beer, vodka, rum, and tequila. Throw in several cases of beer cans, stale nachos, soggy pretzels, and 2 bottles of Michigan State University Spartan National Championship Celebration Champagne and I think you will agree there was quite a mess. But that's not all. Someone scheduled the Annual Refrigerator Cleaning for last week. Since none of us has gone grocery shopping since we stocked up for Y2K, you would think there wouldn't be anything to clean up. However, you shouldn't forget the collection of leftovers we have been maintaining since Y1.998K. I won't begin to describe the vomit-inducing filth that filled the now opened bags of garbage on my front step.
My roommmate was nice enough to warn me as he sauntered off to work. So I, in my Khakis and Doc Martins, began the arduous task of cleaning up. Each item carefully placed in new garbage bags, using only the tips of my finger and thumb, miraculously avoiding the slosh created from the previous day's rain. The plan was to put the bags in my car trunk and dump them off at the trash bin at work. I apologize for rambling on, but would you believe me if I told you that in the time it took me to walk the 2 blocks to retrieve my car and drive back that at least one bag HAD ALREADY BEEN RE-OPENED !!
I thought I was going to cry.
But instead I decided to share my misfortune with you, and wish you a wonderful day. It sure can't be worse than mine.